How to Insult Someone

1 Dec

Insulting someone is telling them 'You Suck'


Insulting someone isn’t difficult at all. It’s all about presenting someone’s weaknesses or flaws for all to see.

Having said that, everything has a set of rules. Here are the rules & guidelines on how to insult someone.

You’ll need two things to excel in this. Don’t worry if you don’t have it, practice makes perfect.

First, a keen eye for details & good observation skills.

Secondly, you’ve got to be sarcastic. If it’s in your blood, even better.

So with your eye for detail, observe & pick out physical flaws that most people try to hide as best as they can.

Big head, small head. Big eyes, small eyes. Big nose, small nose, crooked nose. Big ears, small ears, sharp ears. Big mouth, small mouth. Bad teeth, bad breath, too much gum-to-teeth ratio, too much teeth-to-gum ratio. Big sized, small sized, fat, thin, short, tall, body odour etc.

Other than hiding physical flaws, some hide certain aspects of themselves like character. Some people are what they are but they don’t admit it. Reveal it!

Like being arrogant, short tempered, conceited, perfectionist (or wannabe), miser, selfish, vain, no sense of humour, poor memory, stubborn etc.

With all these flaws picked out, present it on a place with an extra serving of sarcasm. Like such:

“Hey good job covering up those fats!” -fist bump

“I hope that was your fart, at least that’s how your ass is supposed to smell like”  with regards to bad breath or body odour.

“I was looking everywhere for it but I couldn’t find your size”. With regards to size

“Hey Dumbo” – makes flapping sound.

“Has anyone told you, you look 2-dimensional” too thin.

“Oh man! I hope we can all sit on the ride together, but there’s a minimum height.”

“Hey we need a Santa Claus for the Christmas party, how about you? All you need is the beard”

“Are your eyes opened or closed?”

“Has anyone told you, you look like a pug/frog” big eyes

“Smile! Not too much. I can still see your gums. You know what? close your mouth” too much gum-to-teeth ratio.

“Will it kill you to be wrong just once?”

“Where were you when they were giving out sense of humour/brain/memory space?”

“You’re the most imperfect perfectionist I’ve ever known. Good try though”

The list goes on. I’m sure you can think of more, or maybe even said something similar without knowing it.

So what’s the point of this you might ask? (or you probably already clicked the ‘X’ on your browser)

Sometimes without knowing, the things we say present others’ flaws on a plate or stage if I may, for all to see. If you do it on purpose, unless of course out of good humour then you are just mean. The feeling of being insulted & exposed is definitely a tough nut to swallow. If someone always feels exposed & embarrassed around you, chances are they will avoid you. What’s worse? You not knowing it.

So with great power comes great responsibility. Now that you know how to insult someone, be mindful of what you say & remember that many a times humour crosses the line.

If you want to make new friends or keep them closer to you. THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO. Unless of course out of good humour. Thanks for reading & stay tuned for my next post on “How to win friends & influence people”.



4 Responses to “How to Insult Someone”

  1. GDG December 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm #

    Honestly, it is a good piece! Keep up the good work! I’ll be looking forward to the next! 🙂

  2. GDG December 1, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    why does all these phrases sound like you?!

    • Baldwin Ng December 1, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

      Because I thought of it! Sadly or amazingly it came quite naturally.
      Thanks for being the first to comment on the first post of my humble blog. You just won yourself a free Ticket to watch Harry Potter And the Deathly Hallows: part 1!


  1. Mind Boggling Blogging « New guy on the blog - December 13, 2010

    […] snag me up online (right..) Who was I kidding? 2 weeks since my first and most read post, ‘How to insult someone‘ and not a single mock up.   My second post, ‘How to win friends & influence […]

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